WHAT MATTERS MOST

Unexpected and challenging events sometimes teach us what matters most.

My husband Christer and I went to Florida for a family reunion to celebrate my mother’s 90^th birthday. Friday night we went on a sunset cruise with the family, catching up with relatives not seen in a long while. Then Saturday morning Christer, the love of my life, was rushed to the Emergency Room. A massive blood clot over both lungs had stopped the oxygen flow to his heart and brain.

Ten percent chance of recovery, the doctor told me.

At first I was in shock yet still confident he would wake up soon and tell me amazing stories of his near-death experience. He couldn’t leave now; after my mom’s birthday party we were going to Jamaica to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Surely he would recover.

The doctors managed to dissolve the clot but the brain and other organs had suffered major trauma. He was moved to the ICU where he remained for 12 days in a semi-conscious state.

Those days with Christer taught me that the worst possible thing you can imagine can happen and it can be one of the most beautiful, grace-filled experiences of your life. During those extraordinary 12 days I was fully in the present moment. The mundane things of everyday life that can stress and annoy us, fell away. Human care and concern is what mattered most and it seemed to be everywhere around me.

On the third day, his doctors felt Christer’s vital signs had stabilized enough to remove his sedation. He needs to wake up they told me. His eyes opened for brief periods. He recognized my voice and could respond to my questions by blinking his eyes. His daughters in Sweden were able to speak to him by phone and it was clear that he understood them and knew who they were.

I quickly learned from kind and caring nurses, what all the machines and numbers meant; what to look for as positive signs. I listened carefully to what the doctors said – heart, lung, kidney, liver, brain. But something else was also going on in and around me. Christer and I are spiritual people who know there are many forms of life and levels of existence. I knew I could communicate with Christer’s soul. It was important to know where he was on that level and what he wanted to do.

I told him I loved him and wanted him to come back if he could. But if he needed to move on to the next level, I would help him do that. The decision was his and I would support him whatever he decided.

As Christer became less responsive, and the doctors more pessimistic, it became clearer that his intention and desire was to move into the Light. I repeated to him my promise to help him do that, with all my love and support. Consulting with Christer’s family in Sweden, we decided to move him to hospice care where we were able to do a ceremony to release his spirit from his body. The experience was beautiful, full of grace and tears.

The most remarkable part for me was what I wasn’t feeling – I wasn’t angry at Christer or God. I wasn’t resentful, even on that day we should have been flying to Jamaica. I didn’t feel abandoned or betrayed. I just felt grateful for all the support and kindness around me. I felt love that was without condition –pure and unattached to outcome.

I know it isn’t everyone’s experience but I believe it can be. Perhaps I had done enough healing of my inner wounds that I was able to rise to the occasion without feeling sorry for myself. But I know that being fully present with Christer was an amazing gift. It allowed me to see all the little things that we normally miss in life – smiles, a gentle touch, a caring look, a song on the radio that sounds like an angel speaking directly to you. Those things, I realize now are probably always there; we just don’t tune in to them because we’re busy with all our other preoccupations.

It has been almost three months since Christer passed. I still miss him in physical form but continue to feel his presence around me in sweet and funny ways. He always said that he wouldn’t die; he would simply slide over to the other side. I guess he did that and is still enjoying himself in wild and wonderful ways.

The whole experience shifted something in my consciousness that now allows me to focus on human warmth and connection, more than the stressful practicalities of daily life that before seemed so important. Of course there are certain “business” things that need attention but they don’t require as much emotional investment as they did before.

So, in many ways I am better than I used to be, which I find extraordinary. I would have much preferred that Christer was still with me and we were living our ordinary life together. But since that’s not what happened, I am glad to have some unexpected benefits assisting me through this transition.

During the four years I spent with Christer, I learned how to live with an open heart. Even though (or maybe because) my heart is tender, it is still open which means I continue to feel love and grace and beauty all around me. The incredible thing about love is that it continues even after the person who taught you how to do it has passed over. Because my heart is open, I choose joy over misery, gratitude over resentment. I choose happiness and inner peace. That's pretty amazing, isn't it?

And you don’t have to wait until someone you love is in the ICU to do it. Open your heart now and focus on what matters most. Believe me, it’s worth it.